Giving up

Hello Overit, thank you for reaching out. I hear how overwhelmed and discouraged you feel being in stage 4 of COPD and feeling useless. It is so hard when COPD places limitations on life and you feel you have nothing left to offer. I also hear the guilt you carry from being a smoker and the impact that had on your health and COPD diagnosis. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. The knowledge and culture around smoking has changed so significantly since you began and smoking can be an incredibly difficult addiction to overcome. No one deserves the struggle to breathe regardless of what factors led to this diagnosis. You are not alone having COPD and continuing to smoke. I thought this article might resonate with you:
https://copd.net/living/live-for-today/
I'm glad you are continuing to see your therapist to help process your feelings of depression from living with COPD. Depression is something many in the community struggle with as COPD changes life in so many ways. I thought this article series might also be of interest to you, part II in particular:
https://copd.net/living/why-depressed/
Have you spoken with your therapist about your decision to suspend use of your inhalers? I would encourage you to discuss that in more detail, both with your therapist and your doctor. The rising cost of inhalers is a challenge faced by many. It is heartbreaking when so many must choose between needed medication and financial solvency. Your doctor may have some suggestions to help find more affordable options and this article gives some ideas as well:
https://copd.net/living/cant-afford-medication/
You are worth taking care of, even as the disease progresses. After having conversations with your therapist and doctor, if making the choice to not use your inhalers is truly the best choice for you, I would encourage you to also have a conversation with hospice or palliative care so that you do not suffer needlessly as breathing becomes more challenging. Hospice or palliative care have some good options for helping you make the choices you want and allow you to be in control of your treatment and end-of-life decisions. These articles give some information you may find beneficial:
https://copd.net/living/palliative-care/
https://copd.net/living/hospice-misconceptions/
If you ever come to a point where you feel so over it that you begin making a plan for self harm, I urge you to reach out both to your therapist and to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. They can be contacted 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255 or through the live-chat feature on their website: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
Please know this community is also here to listen and that we care. You are not alone on this journey. Wishing you a gentle day. ~Allyson (COPD.net team)