Spouse with COPD is so irritable
Hello All, I am brand new to this community. I am a caregiver to my husband, who has severe COPD (stage unknown). He is on oxygen 24/7. I am needing a little guidance please. As his condition has progressed, he has become in need of much more rest, and sleeps a lot. He is unable to do many of the household tasks, no longer drives, and some days, does nothing. I do understand this, but it means I am needing to pick up the slack. I am not keeping up, and he really resists and resents hiring anyone, though I sometimes do anyway. What is bothering me is that he is so irritable and short with me. It seems I need to watch how and what I say, lest he snap at me. He is a good man, but at his best, he has never been an easy man. I am finding it difficult to cope with the lack of sensitivity and I feel very alone. I do see a therapist, and take medication, which helps, but I feel so anxious with what's to come and upset with him so much of the time. I cannot seem to find a support group for spouses. Any words of support or direction would be so appreciated
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Sounds like a tough environment to be in all the time. I am a COPD sufferer and there are days when I am an irritable a**hole. It has to do with just having a miserable day breathing and coughing and not getting a break from the symptoms, so it wears on me to the point of I just want to lash out and take my own frustrations out on whoever is handy. How do I avoid this? Sometimes I don't and then I have to apologize to my wife and anyone else who I have jumped on with my irritability. I am not saying it is right, it is just something that is part of it. I do some things to take out my irritabilities elsewhere when I can. I play video games to relax, and today I am finally setting my mini-recording station so I can start composing and recording music again. One has to have an outlet for frustration. I would suggest getting your husband to therapy with you, but that probably won't work. As I suspect he would refuse to go. I don't think there is a simple solution. You seem to be doing all the right things without success, which in itself is frustrating, on top of the already frustrating situation. It seems like your husband is alienating himself from everything and everyone. Maybe this is his way if distancing himself from the inevitable. When you are stuck sleeping or doing nothing daily because you are no longer capable of doing things as you used to, that really makes you feel inadequate and useless. I know how that feels as my wife and I moved last week and what little I could actually do wasn't what I would normally be able to do. And this made me feel inadequate and useless. Which in itself causes frustration and it is hard to find a way to deal with these feelings. I wish I had some kind for solution for you, but unfortunately, I don't. Just know that this forum is always here for you to vent and discuss things, and all us members are here also should you need someone to just talk to. Hang in there, take care, and God Bless.
Hi Mango and welcome!! I see our colleague member, , has already responded with so much of his sage wisdom. His explanation, first-hand - a narrative from a fellow COPD person -is invaluable. I am hopeful that what he shared you will also find to be helpful.
I believe, like Dminor has said, that you are doing all you possibly can. Some of what your husband is experiencing may be due to low oxygen levels in the blood. Sadly, this can be a characteristic symptom of this disease. For some folks with a COPD diagnosis, supplemental oxygen therapy helps to improve their lives. Do you think this may be the case for your husband?
From the community's perspective, please know, you are always welcome here. If there is anything we can do to assist you, please let me or any other moderator / team member know.
My heart goes out to you!
All the best,
Leon (site moderator COPD.net)
Thank you Leon. I appreciate this information. He uses an Inogen device, which has offered him the latitude to be more mobile than would a tank, and has worked out well. We took the leap an bought a second one as a backup (we live in Florida, where hurricane-related power outages are inevitable) We also have a generator, and a small solar power generator capable of temporarily running the Inogen.
Anyway, I have noticed on intermittent occasions, that he is a little confused. It has not been about important matters, but it has caught my attention. I have assumed, apparently correctly, that these occasions are attributable to low oxygen levels. I have also wondered if low oxygen may account for the irritability as well.
Thank you again. This support is so meaningful.Hi again, Mango, and thank YOU for the feedback! Everything you have shared here is helpful for me to continue to try to help you! I think it's wonderful that you have been able to take advantage of the portable oxygen concentrator for your husband. When it comes to COPD, oxygen is just about as important a treatment as there is! For someone using supplemental oxygen therapy on a regular basis and even around-the-clock, sometimes even a brief interruption in therapy can have noticeable effects on the patient. Having the portable units combined with emergency back up power is an important way to insure there is no interruption of therapy when it is needed, and even, when it is needed most (during a power outage emergency).
The crux of your concern is the effects of low oxygen levels for any patient but, especially, in your case, your husband. The answer is 'yes' - low oxygen levels for anyone, but especially for patients with obstructive disease (for whom proper oxygenation is so crucial), can have an effect on one's mentation. You may want to discuss this further with your husband's physician, as I am speaking generally here. It is the doctor who can actually guide you more properly for your husband's specific level of disease. The doctor will also be able to advise you as to the proper oxygen saturation levels for your husband's particular case. This in turn will help you monitor more closely what is going on (oxygenation-wise), for him and enable you to better evaluate and gauge his mental status. This will help when he is (normally) forgetful, versus when the (low) oxygen status will be having an effect.
I do hope this brief explanation is helpful for you. I also want to re-encourage you to take this up with the physician, and health care team providing your husband's care.
Enjoy the weekend!
Leon (site moderator COPD.net)
Hi Mango1957,
Your husband seems to have fallen into the abyss of depression. Are his doctors aware of his mental state? Maybe they can help him directly or refer him to an appropriate therapy.
As for you…get out of the house on occasion! Grab a girlfriend or two and go to lunch, see a movie, take walks together. Take a local class in water colors, furniture refinishing, baking, whatever! Join a book club, line dancing, bowling, card playing, etc.
Don’t feel guilty about wanting and having a life of your own. Make time for him and make time for yourself!, yes, I agree he is showing signs of depression. I'd like to speak with his pulmonologist privately, but have not. Not sure if she'd see me, due to Hipaa regulations, but I will snag the nurse next visit and ask. I had a friend just yesterday point out that I am becoming isolated, and encouraged me to do one thing for myself every day. So I signed up for a crafting event next weekend.
Although I have not seen this discussed much on this forum, I called Hospice yesterday. He is not ready for compassion/end-of-life care, but they are sending someone out to talk with us next week about home/palliative care. I think I need it as much as he does. Thank you for your support. I don't know how people do this alone.
Dminor9, Yes, he has voiced frustration at not being able to help with physical tasks. I suspect this is a nearly-universal 'man thing'. I am getting more skilled at detaching from the irritability, but it is h-a-r-d. I encourage him to go out to his workshop to putter, and often he will, which gives me breathing room (no pun intended!), BUT truthfully, I am struggling emotionally with the changes we are dealing with. Thank you so very much for the view from the other side. Patience and one day at a time is probably the key.
