needle popping red balloon

And Then There Was COPD…

So, I’m new in the world of COPD. I have spent most of my life living a naïve belief that I was somehow safe from the harsh realities the rest of the world faces. When I was confronted about being a smoker and the risks involved, I always blew it off. I would always tell people that, “If the war in Iraq did not get me, and years in the Petrochemical industry did not get me, then cigarettes did not have a chance.

Cigarettes

I knew the risks all these years of smoking. Everyone knows the risks of being a smoker these days. I have no excuses for where I am today. From a simple cough that just never went away, to an X-ray, followed by some other tests. Now I find myself diagnosed with a hard dose of reality. Honestly, I am not yet sure if I even know how I feel about this diagnosis. It is definitely one of those times when part of me is afraid, part of me is angry, and part of me is still in disbelief I suppose. Play silly games, win silly prizes.

By providing your email address, you are agreeing to our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use.

Another Chapter

I know enough to understand that this is not the end of my story. This is merely another chapter that my wife and I will face together. I have learned that some of the damage can be repaired, while some of the damage cannot be repaired. My pulmonologist told me she does not believe I am at the end stages of COPD, but that is pretty much all she has told me to date. I still have a lot of testing in my near future to help determine just how far along the disease has progressed.

A Realist or Skeptical

Most of my life, I have been a skeptical person. I always tried to tell everyone I was a realist, but skepticism is probably much closer to the truth. Mentally and emotionally I go back and forth between hope and hopelessness. Every time I lean toward the darker of the two, I also feel like a hypocrite. As the primary caregiver to my wife, I am the one constantly reminding her that everything will be okay; that one day things will get better. And yet, when faced with my own unknown future, I find that I do not have that same level of confidence.

Dreams & Goals

I have spent the last week feeling a bit numb, like none of the things that were important a week ago are important anymore. In reality, nothing has changed. I still have all the same responsibilities. I also still have all the same dreams and goals. The difference is, today I am afraid I won’t be able to finish or complete goals I started trying to achieve about a year ago.

One of my goals was to be able to sail around the world. That one, admittedly might have been a stretch even under the best of circumstances. But, we do still have a small boat that I am trying to get ready to at least make it out of the marina for a few overnight stays. Now I am worried that we won’t be able to finish that task. I shouldn’t be worried, but I am.

Fear

It's definitely not that I am afraid to die. As a former infantry soldier, I got past my fear of dying years ago. I made peace with the possibility that it could happen at any time and moved forward. What I am afraid of now is simply the things I may not get to finish. Worse yet, I feel uncertain about which goals to hold onto, and which ones I should perhaps release. I wonder if I will have disappointed anyone with my shortcomings.

With so much left to do in life, how do you get past the initial shock to your system that suddenly, there is a chance you are carrying around an expiration date? How do you move past that thought and regain focus on all the wonderful things you “still” have?

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The COPD.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Join the conversation

Please read our rules before commenting.