VISCERAL – Relating to Deep Inward Feelings Rather Than to the Intellect

Sometimes, late at night, when everyone else has gone to bed and I’m alone in the living room with a book or the television, I get a sense of myself and my life with COPD. I know that sounds incredibly dramatic. And I don’t mean it to be. Let me back up a little……

Ups and downs

I try to see friends and relatives as much as I can. If the air is humidity-free, I’ll take a ride to a buddy’s house or to my aunt’s with the rest of the family. I love those evenings. But there are other nights when the air is not so good, and my breathing is labored and I’m stuck home for an evening or for a few days. I’ve got to decline the invitations for a movie or a stop at the pub. Even with my oxygen, I know it will be too much effort. It’s at those moments when I reminded where I am with my life with COPD.

Missing out

I miss working (can you believe that???). I had to retire in 2015 because I just couldn’t do the commute (90 minutes each way) anymore. But at the job, there was interaction, and challenges and laughs around the coffee room. I miss all that. But there are other things I don’t miss like a prickly boss or a “back-stabber” – negative folks - who are too often around a workplace.

I miss social settings. We used to have a few gatherings each year for Christmas and other occasions. We could still hold these but, quite honestly, I’m not comfortable sitting around in the evening with a cannula stuck up my nose. I can do it with family but I’m still self-conscious with friends.
I mean – c’mon. It’s only been 8 years (lol). I hear tales of friends advancing in their careers, buying 2nd (and 3rd!) homes and wonderful vacations throughout the world. And we’ve not been able to take a proper vacation since I was diagnosed in 2011.

Still grateful

That’s when I realize how lucky a guy I am to be blessed with the wife and family I have. My wife is tough! I may have mentioned that before. If she thinks I’m milking my COPD limitations, or looking for sympathy, she’ll let me know – with both barrels. I believe we’ve had a good life together. And she is awfully attentive to me without being “gushy” – if you know what I mean. My kids too. But she never complains. Honestly. She’s made of good stock as opposed to me – I’m a bit of a whiner (lol).

We talk about the future but not too far into it. Our oldest is probably thinking of marriage (at least we’re hoping she is!). Our middle guy lives with us and has a good job. The youngest has one more year to go at school. I don’t hear from them as much as I’d like to but – as my wife reminds me – they have THEIR lives to live. And they have responsibilities and are busy. Still – I think I’d feel this way even without COPD.

But I’m grateful to wake up each morning. I’m grateful for my home and family. And I’m going to continue to fight back against this damn COPD each and every day. I’ll let you know who wins!