Don’t Judge Me with COPD 

I can’t tell you how many times my mom cried out those words. The problem was, she was only saying them to me – in private – because it was too painful to say out loud to the offending person. It was usually after a public encounter with someone who had made her feel bad. It wasn’t easy to get my mom down. Sometimes, when she got slammed or criticized, I knew she felt awful.

I came up with some "don't judge me with COPD" comebacks to make her laugh.

Of course, I felt awful for her and would offer to go after the offending party. She always talked me out of it. I rehearsed what I would say many times. Mom and I actually got pretty ridiculous about it. We had a lot of good laughs over the years about the things people say.

A confession: On certain occasions, it feels good to make fun of people who are judging someone I love. Even if there is a streak of meanness, it does take out some of the stings. Mama knew that, and I believe she secretly loved telling me what was said just to get me going. Here were some of my responses:

Don’t Judge Me with COPD

Judgement: I see that your doctor is making you wear an oxygen tube all the time now. Must feel just awful for your nose.

Response: I see where you’re nostril hairs are getting pretty long. Maybe an oxygen tube would help slow the growth.

Judgement: Maybe it’s just me, but you seem to have aged a lot since you got diagnosed.

Response: It must be hard for you to talk about looks since that plastic surgeon messed up your face.

Judgement: You smoked cigarettes for a lot of years.

Response: Yeah. I had a hard time concentrating when I stopped smoking. I hear that when you need to concentrate, you just stare at a box of frozen orange juice.

Judgement: Some people don’t learn easily. Me? I’ve never been bound by a habit that could harm me.

Response: It’s nice how you can pull off being a hateful old bag and the harmful effects are only seen inside of you.

Judgement: If I had a disease like yours, I would sue the tobacco industry.

Response: If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.

Judgement: Poor thing, having to haul all those medicines with you.

Response: How brave of you to be cruel in a world where kindness is regarded as intelligent.

Judgement: You look so weak and frail in that wheelchair. It must feel so sad carrying all those bags.

Response: Say it again and I’ll stand up and show you what an oxygen bottle on the head feels like.

Judgement: I know you tried to shop for the occasion. It’s not easy when you’re so weak with COPD.

Response: You’re right, but it’s easy to ignore gifts for people who are bad-tempered, so don’t worry about getting anything from me this year.

Some of the judgments may have been a bit embellished, but many were delivered flat out cold and cruel. If you knew me, it would be easy to see that my heart is huge and I truly wouldn’t harm a flea. But when mom and I were alone, and she was dealing with criticism, don’t judge me with COPD comebacks were fun. I’d do the same for you.