Over the years, I've been called stubborn and bullheaded. Determined, a doer, responsible, organized, and even a quitter. Each and every word has brought me through the good times and the bad in my life. Before though, each of those stages was temporary. You see, there was always something to look forward to or a goal to reach for.
Dreams and seeing each other
I had dreams about going to my grandkids' events. Dreams about trips with my husband that we wanted to go on and even planned. There can be a pain in others' eyes and I can see it too. How they wish I could be there. How I wish I could be there too. It seems that adults struggle the most with understanding. If you're one of our kids, I'm talking about adults in general.
We make sure that we chat periodically. Sometimes there is even a phone call. Some of our younger ones message us and send pictures, stickers, and gifs. My favorites are the videos and pictures. These days we haven't had any travel or get-togethers. Everyone everywhere is still coping with Covid. One daughter, one son-in-law, and two grandkids have had it. We know someone who lost his life.
Right now, two of my grown kids are in South Dakota from Florida and there are some in northern South Dakota. They don't know if they want to risk the possibility of seeing and possibly exposing me to the virus. They are talking of driving 165 miles each way to knock on my window. I said the least we could do would be to go to the garage. So we will see.
Everyone is so busy and will be ready to leave this cold north country before long. Thankfully, my stepkids live closer, with the exception of a stepdaughter and her family who are in North Carolina.
Changing my tune
Ho-hum. Am I a bit bummed? Yes, just a bit. Yeah, more than a bit. Do I generally lull in self-pity? No would be the perfect answer. Sometimes. Today, yes. I need to change that ho-hum to a ho ho ho!
I'm coping. It's my second bout of prednisone and I had an antibiotic for my last two exacerbations, my shortness of breath, and decreased oxygen levels within the past 5-6 weeks. Allergies have been socking it to me non-stop too. I can cope with it when my eyes aren’t swollen shut, which is usually when I go offline. I just have trouble seeing or it's a struggle.
Today I told my hubby that my back is feeling better because of the steroids in the prednisone. This mind of mine needs to be reminded to search out the positive things in every situation.
Possibilities and release
I was grateful that I could actually cry today. Seldom can I make tears with my dry eyes. That's what needs to be done to release my feelings, my thoughts as well. Cry I did. I needed a hug and got it too.
As long as I keep using my health as a crutch, the possibilities are limited. You see, once I voice my realizations about the things that I am struggling with, they need to be accepted as well. There can be healing in that. It may be scary releasing those thoughts and feelings that I've been holding onto for so long. Maybe they are a big part of me because they are comfortable - who and what I have been for so long. I truly believe that by releasing them, there will be freedom and liberation.
Accepting limits and more dreams
Accepting that I have limits can be healthy. Finding other things to do can be a positive experience. Who knows what can be learned or how I can grow? It's time to expand this mind - there must be something else that I've always wanted to do.
Hey, there is one thing I have always wanted to do. I wanted to write! This has been a dream! My mom reminded me of this numerous times before she passed away. Thank you Health Union!
When struggling, I sometimes go back to a page I wrote called "Yes, We Do Grieve Our Old Lives". It reminds me that this has actually been something that has gone on for a longer time. That was a good beginning, and actually, every day is a new beginning!
Finding hope and purpose
By accepting that, even though I can't change a lot of things, it's possible to turn this life around by finding other things to give hope and a purpose. It's in that space, where I change sad thoughts into positive ones, that I can begin to heal. This will be a space where I can be excited about a new challenge and move forward to a new day! Acceptance: a place where I can be comfortable in my own skin.
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