Hi johnston401! I am so sorry you are in the middle of this situation. As a daughter of a former smoker and a former smoking cessation coach, I can see both sides of this argument. The resentment and frustration your children are feeling is pretty normal, but that resentment can also make it harder for your husband to quit. He may feel that added pressure that he cannot screw up -- even once. Quitting is hard, but definitely not impossible. And no one can make your husband want to quit (as you well know!) My stepfather kept smoking after two lung scares. It took a quadruple bypass to finally get him to give up his 50+ year smoking habit.
I also can see that your daughter truly wants her dream wedding. And perhaps she sees your husband's smoking as just one more time when smoking seems to "win out" over her needs/wants, if that makes sense.
I am not sure if your daughter is kind of offering an ultimatum here or not, since I do not know your family dynamics. Is this kind of a "choose your daughter or your smoking" kind of thing? Weddings do tend to bring out the best and the worst in people at the same time. The stress of such a big life change can really do a number on everyone involved!
As I mentioned above, I do get some of the issues at play here. I can empathize with your children's anger and resentment. And I can see how hard it is for you to love and care about everyone involved and not knowing who to side with. You should not have to "pick sides" in this. And I see how your husband is not ready to quit at this time. In an ever changing and stressful life, smoking can be a reliable constant for a person.
While I cannot personally endorse this website, I do know that a number of former smokers have found the QuitNow program very helpful -- https://www.quitnow.net/Program/About/.
Is it possible to arrange a family sit-down or a conference call to get things out in the open? Maybe not as a time to attack your husband, but as a time to come together and try to make this wedding the best possible event for the entire family.
There *is* hope! I do hope your family is able to work something out and have a wonderful, memory-making day!
Best, Erin, COPD.net Team Member.