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I’m 56 Years Old and a Mess!

I know 56 is not old, but my body just seems to be falling apart. I was diagnosed (guessing) about 13-14 years ago with COPD. I am now in stage 3, and yes I am sorry I still smoke. I know I am going to die more sooner than later unless I can get a grip and quick *heavy sigh*. Besides having stage 3 COPD I also have neuropathy in my hands and feet, osteoporosis in my neck and hips, heart arrhythmia, and of course my eye sight has gotten much worse, and I have put on a significant amount of weight in the last year. Plus I deal with anxieties and some depression.

I know there are millions of other people out there that have it much worse off than me. I’m not sitting here having a pity party for myself thinking “Why me?”. But I do look at myself in the mirror a lot of times and think my life seems to be going spiral downhill for not being so old. I think about all the things I used to be able to do and I can’t do any more. Of course that bothers me. I look at the weight I have gained, and I don’t like that at all, and I really don’t feel very good about myself. I look at myself in the mirror most of the time and I think Blah!

I have been married to a man for a little over 16 years, whom I do love, but is a total slob –sorry just stating the truth. I have found that I just can’t pick up after him like I used to, nor do I want to, or have the energy to. Usually when I ask him to do something it is always more than once, which is exhausting in itself. He’s just not a big help even though he knows my health is deteriorating, which hurts my heart. I have learned through the years I just can’t take care of my house as much as I used to be able to. We don’t live in filth, far from it, it’s just not as clean as used to be or I would like it to be. My dream is to someday in the near future be able to own a 400 sq ft. tiny home – something that I can take care of and keep up with all by myself. I can only hope. Anyway, as far as my husband goes he is very good about taking me to all my doctor appointments, and I “think” he somewhat hears what they have to say – but he really isn’t there for me mentally, emotionally, or physically.

I have 3 sons that are grown. Two of which live out of state. I do hear from them from time to time. One (my baby) who lives in the same state and I do see him a few times a month, but he is too wrapped up in his own life to really think, care, or worry about his mom.

I have 2 grandsons who I wish I could see more. The oldest of the 2 was my “light” besides Jesus. I used to watch him a lot, and I enjoyed every minute of it. He kept me going. Unfortunately about 6 months ago his mother decided he was spending too much time with me :'(

I do have 2 sisters and my dad that live fairly close by too, but again everybody is so wrapped up in their own lives these days. So bottom line is: I feel very much alone, and sometimes it does feel like nobody else cares.

Sorry for the long post :'(

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The COPD.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

  • lclevis
    2 years ago

    ms. moore, i know how you feel. i was diagnose 2 years a go with stage 4. have all you illness and now i will be homeless and car less come next month. i spent all my life doing for others and here i am alone and lost. well what does a person when you cant even walk a few yards. dying is looking like the only way out of this mess. lord help us all. my state wont even help me with my meds so this is really sucking bad. i just have to do with out and pray i make it through. but we will see

  • C. Moore author
    2 years ago

    I want to thank every one so very much for your comments on my post. All of you sincerely touched my heart. The one thing I really have going for me is my love for the Lord. I am a Christian, and I attend church faithfully every Sunday unless something is terribly wrong. My home church is where I find my sense of peace. I know it is by the grace of God that I am still here, and he has a purpose for me. God is who helps me through my rough days….days when I feel so all alone, days when I get depressed.
    Since my original post I have started listening to some meditation to quit smoking. I NEED to start listening to it daily {multiple times} because I do find it relaxing.
    I had a appointment last week with my Pulmonary Dr. and I am doing “Ok”. I don’t have to go back until Sept. She’s a good Dr. I like her. Until then… I will just keep on keeping on.
    Thank you all again!
    God Bless

  • jc1dgc
    2 years ago

    I am sending you a big virtual hug! We have so much in common I wish we could communicate personally.

  • cowgirl
    2 years ago

    Hi C. Moor,Wishing you luck with quitting smoking! Although I found it to be a tough accomplishment I found it to be a little easier with the help of e-cigs.You can still get the satisfaction of smoking while cutting back on the nicotine at your own pace.It does work I have been nicotine free for14 months now Find a good outlet in your area that will help you choose the right flavor and starting nicotine level.You can do it!!!!! Cowgirl

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    2 years ago

    Hi C. Moore. That’s what our online community is all about – support, shared experiences, scientific articles, anecdotal stories and sometimes, just a good ol’ fashioned ear. It’s good to hear you find strength in your faith – many in our community have expressed similar sentiments.
    Please know that you are always welcome here!
    All the best,
    Leon (site moderator)

  • dcberger2
    2 years ago

    Hello young Lady!…….I’m 70 yrs old
    I can imagine the stress you are going thru…so I’ll share my lifes “challenges” I had a mother that beat me so bad, i could wearnt short sleeve shirts because of massive welts and bruises on my arms, and couldnt stand to sit be cause of my rear end beatings..had to sleep in the garage or basement on dirty laundry and dig thru the garbage to find something to eat . Finally got into foster homes where the mother repeatedly raped me (ya i know, its weird because i was a 12 year old boy)
    my wife….????? what a joke….she doesnt clean, mop floors, vaccum, cook, grocery shop, pay bills help to get through rough times, been a drug addict and alcoholic over twenty years, fired from jobs every 5 yrs, totaled out 2 cars in three years, a proverbial liar, and stood and watch me stagger down the hallway beating on the wall to get help, since i wasnt getting the air to breath. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    You and I have the double whammy…but do as I do if you, love your kids with all you heart and show it..my son has and does give me the will to live…….focus on your achievement of raising them…you will feel so much better……..and KEEP breathing!

  • Casey Hribar moderator
    2 years ago

    Hi dcberger2!

    Thank you for sharing with us. To reiterate what Leon has said, we are truly sorry to hear about all of the obstacles you have had to overcome, and ones you’re still overcoming now, However, I’m so glad to read about your positive outlook and love for your son. We hope you’ve been able to find the support and care one would need to overcome all of these challenges and traumatic life events. I’m glad you’ve reached out to us for support, and want you to know we’re here for you! However, we also encourage you to reach out for additional support if you need via local, in-person options, such as medical professionals, counselors, and support groups, since many people in our community find these helpful when dealing with COPD-related challenges, and beyond. We are very grateful to have you in our community!

    Best, Casey (COPD.net Team)

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    2 years ago

    Hi (again) dcberger2. Thanks again so much for sharing your experiences – it does sound like you’ve had an extremely difficult time of it throughout your life. And yet, with your internal strength, positive outlook, and the unwavering devotion of your son, you made it through!
    We’re glad to have you as part of our online community! We are always here to provide support and to lend a supportive ear!
    Warm regards,
    Leon (site moderator)

  • Bonnie allen
    2 years ago

    Hi C. Moore, i so much understand what your going through i was told i had Copd around 15 years ago but like you i continued to smoke I didn’t feel bad back then boy do i wish I would of quit smoking back then I finally did quit just under 5 years ago i did it with chantex to my surprise it was easier then I thought since i had tried probably 5-6 other times to know advale i have been in the hospital to many times to count and each time it has got worse i was on oxygen only at night then only when i was excercizing and night the 2L 24/7 just got out again after 7 days i am now on 4L 24/7 I started pulmonary rehab again this Monday i went before and it was a miracle how much it helped me so i have high hopes that it will do that for me again I can’t do a whole lot anymore since i have sever Copd but refuse to just sit and watch the world go by i have a strong faith in our Lord that is what gets me through this horrible disease please keep in touch ok i am praying for you and all of us with COPD

  • Raven
    2 years ago

    Hi Mrs Moore. This is Raven. I know exactly how you feel thinking your hubby doesn’t think of you and willing to help more. I do have a loving family but they seem to forget although I’m living better since my ordeal I’m not cured of COPD. I kept on having to remind my husband and daughter who lives with me and I get ok ok ok. But it goes through their deaf memory box. Hang in there hun and do all you can and if your having problems breathing, go outside and take a deep breath. If your asked why are you outside just tell them it’s easier to breath outside than in the house due to —– and let them know your feelings. Bless you hun.

  • Erin Rush moderator
    2 years ago

    Hi C. Moore and thank you for sharing with us! You are not alone here! Many of our members can relate to what you are feeling. COPD has a profound effect on a person’s entire life; causing both physical and also emotional changes. While I am so glad you have loved ones that care about you, it does sound like you could use some support. Please know our community is open and active twenty-four hours a day. You can find online support here and some other places, as well as looking into the possibility of meetings near your home. The Better Breather’s group may have meetings near you — http://www.lung.org/support-and-community/better-breathers-club/.

    Also, you can get some great tips for building a support system here — https://copd.net/living/expert-answers-building-a-strong-support-system/.

    And don’t apologize for your feelings! If that’s how you are feeling in the moment, well, that’s how you are feeling. It’s important to not get “stuck” in a bad mood, but I think it’s quite normal to have a whole range of emotions when you are dealing with a chronic condition like COPD.

    I am sorry you are not able to spend as much son with your grandson as you would like. I know that must be very difficult for you. I wanted to include one more article for you to check out. It’s about finding some good in every day. I know it’s not an easy task when you are hurting and sad, but every little step is progress! Check it out and see if it helps — https://copd.net/living/15-copd-pick-ups/.

    Again, you are not alone here at COPD.net ! You are among people who really can understand what you are going through. Please don’t hesitate to reach out anytime. We are happy to help in any way we can.

    Wishing you a good day, Erin, COPD.net Team Member.

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    2 years ago

    Hi C. Moore – I will reiterate what Erin has so aptly said; please know that you are ALWAYS welcome here in our online community. We are here throughout the day to lend support, provide a well tuned ear, and/or to link you to scientific articles as well as anecdotal stories.
    You may want to check out our Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/COPDDotNet/ There you will find active community members who are exchanging thoughts and ideas on a regular basis, all COPD related! I’m sure you will find it’s a good place to be.
    All the best,
    Leon (site moderator)

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