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I'm 56 Years Old and a Mess!

cynthiaamoore's avatar image

By cynthiaamoore

3 min read

I know 56 is not old, but my body just seems to be falling apart. I was diagnosed (guessing) about 13-14 years ago with COPD. I am now in stage 3, and yes I am sorry I still smoke. I know I am going to die more sooner than later unless I can get a grip and quick *heavy sigh*. Besides having stage 3 COPD I also have neuropathy in my hands and feet, osteoporosis in my neck and hips, heart arrhythmia, and of course my eye sight has gotten much worse, and I have put on a significant amount of weight in the last year. Plus I deal with anxieties and some depression.

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I know there are millions of other people out there that have it much worse off than me. I'm not sitting here having a pity party for myself thinking "Why me?". But I do look at myself in the mirror a lot of times and think my life seems to be going spiral downhill for not being so old. I think about all the things I used to be able to do and I can't do any more. Of course that bothers me. I look at the weight I have gained, and I don't like that at all, and I really don't feel very good about myself. I look at myself in the mirror most of the time and I think Blah!

I have been married to a man for a little over 16 years, whom I do love, but is a total slob --sorry just stating the truth. I have found that I just can't pick up after him like I used to, nor do I want to, or have the energy to. Usually when I ask him to do something it is always more than once, which is exhausting in itself. He's just not a big help even though he knows my health is deteriorating, which hurts my heart. I have learned through the years I just can't take care of my house as much as I used to be able to. We don't live in filth, far from it, it's just not as clean as used to be or I would like it to be. My dream is to someday in the near future be able to own a 400 sq ft. tiny home - something that I can take care of and keep up with all by myself. I can only hope. Anyway, as far as my husband goes he is very good about taking me to all my doctor appointments, and I "think" he somewhat hears what they have to say - but he really isn't there for me mentally, emotionally, or physically.

I have 3 sons that are grown. Two of which live out of state. I do hear from them from time to time. One (my baby) who lives in the same state and I do see him a few times a month, but he is too wrapped up in his own life to really think, care, or worry about his mom.

I have 2 grandsons who I wish I could see more. The oldest of the 2 was my "light" besides Jesus. I used to watch him a lot, and I enjoyed every minute of it. He kept me going. Unfortunately about 6 months ago his mother decided he was spending too much time with me :'(

I do have 2 sisters and my dad that live fairly close by too, but again everybody is so wrapped up in their own lives these days. So bottom line is: I feel very much alone, and sometimes it does feel like nobody else cares.

Sorry for the long post :'(

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