Caregiver support

By bethgray

1 min read

My husband is in stage 4. He will not quit smoking and all he does is sit at the table drink coffee and smoke. The only time he isn’t smoking is when he is using his oxygen. Recently he has become short of breath when doing anything. He will not talk to me about how he’s feeling but I feel he is getting worse. He has been in stage 4 for about 3 years. I am so worried. Any suggestions about how to get him to open up about things would be great. Just don’t know what to expect.

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Leon Lebowitz, RRT Member
Hi Bethgray and thanks for your post. You are in a difficult position as the wife/caregiver for whom your husband/patient has not been openly talking about his condition. It is not unusual though, and it's certainly not personal. Although it's challenging, you may want to accompany him on his physician visits - sometimes in concert with his physician, the two of you will be more successful in having him open up. If not, perhaps the physician will be able to provide guidance. Good luck! Leon (site moderator)
1. stretch22 Member
 I hope you don't get sick from second hand smoke! That is how my Mom got lung cancer! Chantix works for quitting smoking. How old is your husband? Just pray and do the best you can.
2. Leon Lebowitz, RRT Member
 Hi Stretch22 and thanks for your post and reply to Bethgray. We appreciate your input and concern. Leon (site moderator)
luvmylife1948 Member
Men are by nature the problem solvers for their wife and men somehow like to keep their problems to themselves. They have their pride and perhaps feel like a wimp if they start sharing. Also he may feel vulnerable to sharing, or even perhaps secretly scared of the outcome of his condition and feeling he wants to care for you and is not able to in the way he wants to with a life illness. You may want to tell him how concerned you are about Him because He is the most important person in your life and it hurts you not being able to help him more. Get paper out. Play a game. Ask Him to put down on paper at least 5 things that scare him about his condition or about life in general. You do the same including how worried you are about him etc. This will be the ice breaker to sharing more. Sometimes Men just need a kick start. Make him feel comfortable and it is not SHAME to be in his condition and you want to know how you can help him? I hope this suggestion helps. Best wishes
vikki2151 Member
Hi, I just wanted to tell you your remark about your husband smoking and drinking coffee struck me funny only because last week I was complaining that my husband does nothing ! I have posted a reply on how things are going if youd care to read it. But the pulmonary Dr today said she had a paintent that only had 15% of lungs working and he too thought he was in the "End Stage" and he lived for a good many years with the right medicine and things. The most important thing is to not give up! If you dont use it you loose it! Best of luck! Vicki
kloker Member
Sounds like me till last year. I knew I had COPD but thought I'd quit smoking when it got to a certain point. That's just what happened too! I had my first exacerbation and could not catch my breath at all. It scared the heck out of me. I called the Doctor and made an appointment immediately. But I had waited too long. Just as I got to the Doctor's office, I collapsed. Woke up in the ED. Was told I had double pneumonia, was admitted, and wound up with oxygen in my nose, an IV for antibiotics and another for dehydration. A week later I went to rehab and spent a few weeks learning how to walk again. Guess what? It got real easy to quit smoking. Oh, and the COPD won't be going away. Smoking is not just a habit, it's an addiction. Hard to stop, even when you know it is killing you. Crazy. The good news is I can still drink coffee! The bad news is I am on O2 24/7 now, and several other meds. Yes, Chantix is good to quit smoking, but fear is better. Enough fear is just about guaranteed to work. But fear can also shut you down and be paralyzing. Pride goeth before a fall. And pride is just resistance to fear. He is not in stage 4 yet, most likely, but he will get there by the method he's using. He just thinks he knows how bad fear is until he literally cannot breathe. I would counsel him to try and avoid that if possible. He really needs to put down the cigarettes.