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The Big Bad Wolf Had the Big C

With this particular life, you will learn that your breath is the most important thing in the world. Every meaningful event or minuscule happening will be over-shadowed by breath monitoring. It is ridiculously important, so you really aren’t experiencing every sensation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten where I am because I was trying to take a full breath.

The satisfaction of taking a deep breath is AMAZING, it feels like infinite satisfaction. I wish people had a better understanding of what it’s like to not be in the fast lane or middle lane. The slow lane, where you maybe just want to cruise… my slow lane doesn’t allow cruising, it only allows hard breathing.

There aren’t many places I’d like to be, because some of those places I wouldn’t be able to breathe. See – I don’t allow myself to imagine because I don’t want to want after a fantasy that isn’t inhabitable. Believe me, I know there are grammatical errors on this, but I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about how hard I’ll be breathing after I shut off my laptop and set it on my nightstand.

Truth is, I don’t remember a life where I could run, talk fast or enjoy the winter. I’ll be 25 in December, I’ve been best friends with this ‘thing’ since 11. My gosh, how beautifully cruel life is, how deadly the breeze can be.

So I raise my cannula at you, Life.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.


  • wally2
    3 years ago

    what you have described about takeing a full deap breath is so true,I sometimes lay in bed reading and I havnt had a proper breath for a while and then suddenly I take a proper breath to go over that hill and down the other side, its such a great fealing,thank you for describeing it,
    I think one of the problems is other people don’t get how hard life can be with copd, coments such as (you look so well] your not on oxygen so it cant be too bad. I have now given up trying to explain, in any case why should I.
    I wish you all peace and easy breathing

  • Edi Mesa author
    3 years ago

    We get to experience something that some will never get to. We get to see life, in all it’s wonder and mystery, we learn to appreciate the fine details in life’s grand journey.

  • Jenn Patel
    3 years ago

    Hi FullyAlive!

    In response to your comment, you don’t sound crazy at all! Your writing is great – I love the stream of consciousness style that you do so well. I think Leon was trying to find out if you had a specific question – he wasn’t saying that you were unclear, so don’t worry!

    I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. We’re glad that you found us and decided to share about it here. Please know you are welcome to do so any time! We encourage you to come by any time you’d like to share how you’re doing/feeling, or any time you’d like some support, info, or just a listening ear!

    Thank you so much for being here – your sharing your story helps others, so we are very grateful that you did.

    Jenn ( Team)

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    3 years ago

    Hi FullyAlive and thanks for your post. We appreciate you sharing your experiences with the difficulties you are having taking a deep breath.

    Forgive me, but it’s not clear to me what you are trying to convey to us. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve experienced these issues since either 2011 OR since age 11.

    If you wouldn’t mind clarifying that for us, it might help us to respond more appropriately, If there IS anything that you have in mind that we can assist you with, please let us know.
    We will look forward to hearing back from you.
    Leon (site moderator)

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    3 years ago

    Hi (again) FullyAlive – please, you do NOT sound crazy. As Jenn has surmised, it was I who was not clear about whether you had a particular question. You are always welcome here in our online community. We appreciate your candor in sharing your thoughts and ideas with us.
    Wishing you the best,
    Leon (site moderator)

  • Edi Mesa author
    3 years ago

    I’ve had copd for about 3 years now. I advanced quickly from my crappy lungs. But ive had cancer since 11. And i have Bullous Lung Disease.
    I write like this. I ramble alot in my diary and on paper napkins.
    I didn’t mean to sound crazy.

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