Today has been an odd day for me. I’ve done productive things and feel very proud about them. I was ready to settle down. Then, I was down the hall and I saw something I wasn’t expecting. I paused, stared, and then went to the bathroom, shut the door, and sat on the closet floor. I began to gallop all over my mind “Your diseases are the cause; It’s you…” Then I began to cry, I was crying like there’s no tomorrow.
In those moments, I’m thinking “I blame you, all of you”- my lungs. As I’m crying, I’m imagining I’m staring at my lungs and I’m blaming them. I was throwing the fault on them without realizing it wasn’t their fault, it’s actually mine.
I’m crying in the closet, then after dumping tears on the ground, I realize it is my fault. My lungs are a part of me that will fail till the end, but my mind won’t between.
I let my mind build an empire of anger toward my lungs and I never stopped. I cried until I was a fleshy tomato shade, washed my face and sat on my bed.
It’s tough to tell myself that it’s my fault that I hate my lungs, not my lungs. Because I am breathing and living.
COPD does limit my physical adventures, but not my mental exploration. Keeping my mind cleansed of self-loathing will help me live a positive life which will hopefully lessen flares.
It’s taken me over 14 years to realize that it wasn’t my lungs fault.