It’s taken me over 14 years to realize that it wasn’t my lungs fault.

Today has been an odd day for me. I’ve done productive things and feel very proud about them. I was ready to settle down. Then, I was down the hall and I saw something I wasn’t expecting. I paused, stared, and then went to the bathroom, shut the door, and sat on the closet floor. I began to gallop all over my mind “Your diseases are the cause; It’s you…” Then I began to cry, I was crying like there’s no tomorrow.

In those moments, I’m thinking “I blame you, all of you”- my lungs. As I’m crying, I’m imagining I’m staring at my lungs and I’m blaming them. I was throwing the fault on them without realizing it wasn’t their fault, it’s actually mine.

I’m crying in the closet, then after dumping tears on the ground, I realize it is my fault. My lungs are a part of me that will fail till the end, but my mind won’t between.
I let my mind build an empire of anger toward my lungs and I never stopped. I cried until I was a fleshy tomato shade, washed my face and sat on my bed.

It’s tough to tell myself that it’s my fault that I hate my lungs, not my lungs. Because I am breathing and living.

COPD does limit my physical adventures, but not my mental exploration. Keeping my mind cleansed of self-loathing will help me live a positive life which will hopefully lessen flares.

It’s taken me over 14 years to realize that it wasn’t my lungs fault.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The COPD.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

View Comments (2)
  • Janet Plank
    9 months ago

    Edi, it’s a month later and I’m seeing your post.
    Thank you for sharing your story. I always thought copd left me vulnerable and your story reminds me a little of mine. I’m so glad that you and your lungs have made peace and that over time, you have a positivity for a full life.
    Thank you for sharing your story. Know that we are here for you, even just to say hi.
    Janet (site moderator)

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    10 months ago

    We hear you, Edi, loud and clear. Adjusting and learning to live with COPD is both a challenge and an objective to strive for. Certainly, your lungs are not at fault, as you pointed out very adeptly, If I may suggest, finding fault may not be the way you want to go. There is plenty of life to be lived, even with COPD. We have an entire online community that is living proof of this!
    Staying positive and as active as is feasible is the path I would urge you to travel.
    All the best,
    Leon (site moderator)

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