Hi all,
My mom got an at home NIV machine a month ago and she uses it at night. The same day, she got new medicine (i can't remember the name). She has felt way better in this period, and has been able to do a little laundry with breaks, walk up the stairs better, make dinner and even take a break from her all day oxygen mask.
This Thursday, she was at the hospital for at check up regarding the new machine.
A month ago she was at 20% capacity, but surprisingly, she was now down to 14%.
I am aware that machines and medications can't heal and magically up the lung capacity, but it still puzzles me and i'm very scared of suddenly losing my mom.
The doctors told us that, as far as they could read from the data on the NIV, my mom has almost completely stopped breathing in her sleep, making the NIV breathe for her. Also, sometimes, she removes the NIV in her sleep. If her husband is awake, he puts it back on her. Her capacity goes up and down from 25% down to 14% and up again, how is this measured?
My mom is on a lot of medication for anxiety, panic attacks and strong back pain, which means she consumes a heavy cocktail of mental a physical relaxers (e. g. morphine) every day, plus her lung medication.
I think about this a lot and i am constantly afraid of her well being. I am in the middle of a nervous breakdown, my energy is at an absolute low and i feel terrible for not being with her at all times. My feelings vary from scared to sad to angry and extremely guilty. I'm not angry at her, i'm angry at the time we might be missing together. It's hard to turn these feelings around to something positive at the moment.
A very short backstory to these strong feelings of guilt might be, that for multiple unknown reasons, i got to know my mom at age 10, moved out at 17, now i'm 32 and i feel like we have had so little time together.
I know that there is no specific answer, but what do i make of this? How do i go about my day without breaking down and being scared all the time? How do you cope with these feelings? I am in therapy, but can only afford going once a month.
Sorry for the very long post, i am extremely frustrated with this knot in my chest. My studies have stalled, i'm unemployed and can't find the mindset to continue my career right now.
Happy new year and thanks in advance for any answers 😀