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One deep breath…

I’ve gotten slower, more tired and less able. It is infuriating, humiliating and dehumanizing. I am angry at myself but I’m more angry at my lungs. I hate them with all I am. I hate that they don’t function the way they are suppose to. I was meant to have a fulfilling career, children, magnificent life. I am judged like an animal and scuffed off like a rag. I am stuck to a machine that has no care for me, it does not know me, it just delivers medicine. I loathe the people that disregard their lungs and seek help after they’ve ruined it for themselves. I can’t express entirely what I think, it’s just all red.

In this moment I am thoughtless with an empty, achy heart. I feel that I am caged, bounded to the ground by life’s chains. There is no cure, no pause, just medicine. What will go first, my lungs or liver? Will I lose all sound of mine or will the radiation poisoning take course? Will it be pneumonia, bronchitis, or a tiny cold? Will it be my C.O.P.D or my bullous of the Lung? Will I need medicine to go peacefully or will I drown in my bed?

I want to cry, my gosh I want to scream. I want to vomit this pain. I want to feel steady breathing.

I was going to fly as high as I could. I should be at college party flirting with boys with a midterm in a week. Or in my barrack room with my fellow Marine. Or holding my child while we watch cartoons.

I should be somewhere else, not here. I shouldn’t be sad over a life I could’ve had. I deserved it, I deserved a shot at a large life.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The COPD.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

Comments

  • pat02
    5 months ago

    Thank you for sharing the feelings you have to deal with daily, you are a very strong person and to fight this fight you have to be strong and I believe you are, You are an inspiration to those of us who want to just give up.
    I have had lung disease for about 63 of my seventy years. You said one thing that sticks with me, As long as there is hope there is life, I keep reminding myself …..Bless you and thank you for sharing. Praying for you to see better days… Pat

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    5 months ago

    Hi pat02 and thanks for commenting on Edi’s heartfelt story. I’m sure she will appreciate reading this from you! Wishing you well, Leon (site moderator)

  • larryrr
    1 year ago

    hope you’re feeling better, edi. survival requires a steady, step by step approach with this disease. watch out for your destabilizing emotions during christmas when hope is so plentiful. take care of yourself, you are worth the effort.

  • larryrr
    1 year ago

    thankyou for your real talk. could you know the endless parade of positive thinking crap i’ve heard on copd blogs? well, both views are necessary, the despair and the hope. keep it real, edi.

  • Edi Mesa author
    1 year ago

    thank you Larry. We need the good, but the ugly is sometimes good.

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    1 year ago

    Hi again larryrr. We appreciate your comment. We do try to maintain an objective viewpoint when interacting with our community members. All comments are welcome – we are always respectful of one another and support one another’s dignity.
    All the best,
    Leon (site moderator)

  • Edi Mesa author
    1 year ago

    Thank you Noel and Leon. I was very emotional at the time 🙁

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    1 year ago

    It’s our pleasure, Edi. We wish you the best and look forward to your continued participation in our online community.
    Warmly,
    Leon (site moderator)

  • Noel.Martin
    1 year ago

    Oh Edi I am SO sorry that you are going through this. You have shown such strength by sharing you emotions so honestly and you are right, you deserve all of those experiences you mention above. We want you to know that you are not alone and that we are always here to support you.. whether it is by supplying some information or simply lending an ear. Please know that you can reach out to us anytime. You have a great talent for expressing yourself and if it makes you feel even just the slightest emotional relief then don’t give it up. We are here and we are listening. Thinking of you, Noel (COPD.net Team)

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    1 year ago

    Hi Edi and thanks so much for sharing your emotions with such candor! Like Noel, I too am sorry to hear of the ordeal(s) you are enduring. Where there is life, there is hope as well. You are part of an entire online community that can lend much support, share anecdotal experiences, provide scientific information or just listen to all you want to share.
    Should you want to speak with more in our community, I thought you might want to be on our COPD Facebook page which provides an even larger forum. Should you have the inclination, you can find it here:https://www.facebook.com/COPDDotNet/. Please know that you are always welcome here, anytime and for as long as you like.
    Warm regards,
    Leon (site moderator)

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    1 year ago

    Hi Victorino545 and thanks for sharing YOUR thoughts, too! I’m glad to hear that you got past staying home and now do actually get out with your oxygen. And to read that you ‘do good getting out with it and it doesn’t bother me’ tells it all – you understand the value of being out and about. Keep up that attitude and you may even surprise yourself with all that you can do.
    Keep up the good work!
    All the best,
    Leon (site moderator)

  • victorino545
    1 year ago

    Thanks so much for sharing your feelings. I know we all try and keep positive and put on a smile but this disease can get to you sometimes. I feel like I am suffocating sometimes and my box is getting smaller as far as what I am able to do. There are places I want to go but know there will be to much walking for me so I decline. I have been told you can use walker or wheelchair but I am just not there. It took me awhile to get out with 02 but made up my mind I am not staying home. I do good getting out with it and doesn’t bother me. I guess part of me does not want admit my disease is progressive.

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