One deep breath...
I've gotten slower, more tired and less able. It is infuriating, humiliating and dehumanizing. I am angry at myself but I'm more angry at my lungs. I hate them with all I am. I hate that they don't function the way they are suppose to. I was meant to have a fulfilling career, children, magnificent life. I am judged like an animal and scuffed off like a rag. I am stuck to a machine that has no care for me, it does not know me, it just delivers medicine. I loathe the people that disregard their lungs and seek help after they've ruined it for themselves. I can't express entirely what I think, it's just all red.
In this moment I am thoughtless with an empty, achy heart. I feel that I am caged, bounded to the ground by life's chains. There is no cure, no pause, just medicine. What will go first, my lungs or liver? Will I lose all sound of mine or will the radiation poisoning take course? Will it be pneumonia, bronchitis, or a tiny cold? Will it be my C.O.P.D or my bullous of the Lung? Will I need medicine to go peacefully or will I drown in my bed?
I want to cry, my gosh I want to scream. I want to vomit this pain. I want to feel steady breathing.
I was going to fly as high as I could. I should be at college party flirting with boys with a midterm in a week. Or in my barrack room with my fellow Marine. Or holding my child while we watch cartoons.
I should be somewhere else, not here. I shouldn't be sad over a life I could've had. I deserved it, I deserved a shot at a large life.
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