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Really beginning to see this is not going to end well…

Hi I am a 64 year old retired stonemason and ex smoker who lived my whole life being invincible to every thing bad. Great health able to work all the young uns I had hired under the table.

The beginning of my journey

COPD diagnosis twenty some years ago that has being slowly advancing through the stages year by year.
Been in a bad flair for the last month and been putting off doing anything about it for as long as I had a premonition I would not make it of the hospital alive.

My wife finally called 911 over a week ago and I ended up in critical care were i was next doors to a patient who was in a more advanced state then mine.The suffering this poor man went through was clear to all within earshot and that his demise was only a matter of time.

His struggle ended Wednesday night at 2:00 and he is now at peace finally.

Reflecting on my diagnosis

After all these years with this disease I never fully appreciated the harsh reality.

I am sorry for such a downer post but the event has ripped my life apart even more and now cannot stop thinking about this poor man and his final moments of anguish.

I took the time while in hospital to write my three children, 8 grand children and one great grand child a letter telling them all how much I have appreciated having them in my life as well as an extra hug for my dear wife of 43 years who is my rock and I found that helped somewhat.

I am hoping for many more sun rises and sets before I to am summoned to the big quarry in the sky but hopefully will face every day that is left with determination and the resolve that this will not defeat me.

My premonition was obviously wrong by the way.take care…bob

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Comments

  • Janet Plank moderator
    3 months ago

    Hi Bob,
    Wrong premonition’s can be a good thing.
    Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. It touched me and I’m sure others as well. What a treasure for each of your family members, in the letters that you wrote.
    Always know that we are here for you Bob.
    Janet (site moderator)

  • BeverlyDeMarco
    3 months ago

    Hi BOB, THIS IS BEVERLY, I JUST READ YOUR COMMENT AND TO TELL YOU I LOST THREE GREAT FRIENDS RECENTLY FROM COPD, TWO OF THEM NEVER SMOKED, I HAVE SEVERE COPD TOO AND I TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. DONT KNOW WHATS NEXT FOR ME BUT I TRY NOT TO LET MY FAMILY SEE HOW PAINFUL THIS DIEASE IS . I HAVE BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL FOUR TIMES WITH EXACTABATIONS THAT ARE PRETTY BAD. HOPE YOUR FEELING BETTER AND TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME

  • bob54 author
    3 months ago

    – Thanks Leon for the kind words.
    l think everyone in this forum has had a moment that truly defines their journey,this was t ruely mine.
    The real trick l have found is positivity,nothing else.It gets me up in the morning and keeps me going no matter what nasty turns this disease throws at me.
    No mAtter how severe the flair or how brutal life is there is something that everyone accomplishes in a day that should give them pause to reflect on what a special person they are and how much family and freinds really mean.
    l am so sorry for the people who have no one to share the journey with, it must be very hard indeed .
    It is through forums like this one that you Leon and all the other moderators give compassion,love and understanding to these souls and for that we a’re in your debt.THANKS

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    3 months ago

    It’s our pleasure, Bob, we’re glad to have you as a member of our online community. Enjoy the rest of the weekend. Leon (site moderator)

  • sardonicus
    3 months ago

    WOW!!! That’s quite a story bob. All the time we have been communicating, I knew nothing about you, except for the horror story. This I can tell you for sure, be grateful for your family. I have none. I am not telling you this to make you feel sorry for me (God forbid), but to realize how lucky you are. I have 1 sister who is ten years older than me and has her own problems. I have 3 close friends, but they don’t live anywhere near Toronto and 1 friend who I see about every 6 weeks. He has his own health problems. Bob thank you so much for your story post. It was fascinating……..sardonicus

  • bob54 author
    3 months ago

    Hi sardonicus
    Sorry for the delay in getting back to you but have been a to frequent visitor at the hospital over the weekend and today.They are doing all my antibiotics as an out patient basis so l can at least be home at night.Damn rheumatoid arthritis has been flaring like a bugger of late as well so hard to type. This afternoon they found l was in tachycardia so now before l go back tomorrow for another drip they are going to fit me with a halter monitor,the pile just keeps growing deeper.
    l appreciate every minute with my dear wife and our family and would find it impossible to cope with this crap alone,dont know how you can manage as well as you seem to.
    as a side note l was born and raised just north of you in Gravenhurst,before moving out to cloverdale BC thirty some years ago and counting.
    That humidity much be unbearable.the last time l was back to visit my sister in ottawa it hit me like a sledge hammer,didnt leave the house in a week.Will touch base later as l have an appointment with a couple of them little blue pills,no not the boner ones the other ones and put this shit four days behind me and start all over tomorrow.Take care Bob

  • bob54 author
    3 months ago

    Hi Beverly
    Sorry for the delay but just got back from emerg again.They are doing all the drips on an outpatient basis so l can at least spend nights at home.No available beds so it’s all hallway all day,so crazy as hospital is state of the art and half the size it needs to be already after three years.
    Have been reading your posts and guess we are pretty much in the same boat.So sorry to hear of your husbands passing ,l cant imagine what l would do without my soulmate,
    Do these stints you talk of really help with the cramps as l have been going through them lately myself,,debilitating to say the least.Is the reason thèy will not repair is the anaesthetiC.Will touch base with you later as tired as anything and going to bed.Thanks for the kind words and enjoy your night as best you can.take care bob

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    3 months ago

    Hi again, Bob – it is WE who should be thanking YOU! We’re glad to have you as a consistently contributing member of our community. Thank YOU for YOUR kind words. Enjoy your weekend! Warmly, Leon (site moderator)

  • Leon Lebowitz, BA, RRT moderator
    3 months ago

    Hi Bob and thanks for sharing your story – with such candor and straightforward honesty. After interacting with you frequently on our COPD.net website, it’s nice to know this much more about you and your medical history and current situation.
    I admire what you’ve done with your family and I’m quite sure they appreciate it too!
    Keep that positive outlook and ‘can do’ attitude and you will manage, moving forward, just fine.
    Warmest regards,
    Leon (site moderator)

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