Why?

The other day, when I was physically down, I asked myself again, “why can’t I get anything done?” It hit me emotionally as well.

I forget how much this wipes me out

I have so much energy on this day. I decide that I’m going to do some dusting and the glass. Then hubby can vacuum when he gets home. By the time I dust the coffee table, end tables and ledges, I’m wiped out. My eyes are itching. I’m coughing and I feel so tired and short of breath. I chide myself because I know these things will trigger my COPD. Also, asthma and allergies. I can wear a mask and goggles and still get some of those reactions. It can take me a few days to finish a room. Those few days, might take a week to get done.

Going out is also exhausting

On another day, I just needed to get out (yes, again!). We went in for a burger and had a great time, then ran into the store for a couple of things. When we got out, hubby reminded me to shower. I felt pretty good, just a little tired. Showered, then put the groceries away. Decided I best rest for a bit. Watched a little tv, then took my night meds.

In the morning I woke up with 2 swollen eyes, sob, and so tired. I could see out a crack of my left eye, so took my meds and went back to bed. I got up mid-afternoon, dragged myself to the bathroom, washed my face, brushed my teeth and back to bed. I think I got up when hubby came home. Had cereal and back to bed. An outing like this will put me down in bed for 2 – 3 days. If I struggle with breathing, I do go to the doctor. Just let me sleep.

I get down about it

This time, and possibly the one or even twelve experiences that I have, I can get a bit down. I tell my husband that no one can have these experiences, these reactions to the minor things, this often. This can happen if I go outside for 5 minutes or have someone come to visit with their scents. My patient husband reminds me that it’s always like this. That the doctors know it’s like this, that I should know it’s like this. A Mayo pulmonologist told me that she believes my severe allergies are what is triggering my COPD and exacerbations.

I want people to know that I'm okay

During these spells, I’m not able to see and sometimes even think enough to be online. I do have the crack in my left eye, so can look down, so I may post a picture on Facebook or Pinterest, but that’s only because I can see just a tad. Then people, especially family, know that I am okay. I know too, that I don’t dare respond to posts. I’ve tried that and when I read later, I sound like a drunk person. No I don’t drink and I’m not on drugs, aside from my regular meds.

This almost feels like a confession, letting people know why I go missing periodically. I want to ask though, do others go through similar things? Do you ever get to a point where you feel like you are physically going to crash if you don’t lay down? What do you experience?

What's your happy place?

I do have a happy place, most of the time. Time with my husband and fur-babies is best. I so enjoy writing and crafts. Talking to my kids and grands makes the day go-round. Friends and others on the COPD sites or messaging is another highlight. I would love to hear your experiences about your happy places too!

How do you handle COPD’s emotional toll? Share with fellow community members here.